Will
by The Willful Wanderer
Summary: This is what is, nothing more. My will above all, because there is no other possibility. (A character vignette.)


I don't know how long I've been here.

It's a struggle. This whole thing is a struggle. But... it's worthwhile. At last, I can _do_ something.

That's all the thought I can spare. All of the few moments I have.

* * *

...someone is here. Is it... Steven?

I want to hug him. I want to tell him- how glad I am. He's alright still. She can't hurt him. Hasn't hurt him. They... they will protect him.

I want to tell him to leave. To run away. To go- away from here. Away from _her_.

Away from me.

I... can't. I can't do any of these things.

And then, just like that, he's gone. I'm glad. It hurts... but I'm glad. I'd smile if I wasn't so busy.

* * *

"This is... getting really weird."

That... that sounds like Steven. How long has it been, since he was here? How can I even tell? There is no time, not like this. I think... I think I don't really exist, even. We're fused, right? So I shouldn't exist. Not as me, not on my own. And... why is it so dark?

I can only agree with him.

"This _is_ weird." I murmur.

"Hey... that sounds a lot like-"

" _Steven!"_ My voice almost echoes in this blackness, drawing his attention behind him- to me. As if his looking makes me somehow _be_ , I can feel where I am, floating. It's windy here too- why is it windy? Is there even any air?

Steven turns to me. "Lapis Lazuli!"

I can't believe it- here he is- here _I am_. Even when I was in the mirror- when I was the mirror- things weren't like this. Things were never like this.

He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be near me, near _us_. I need him to go away, I need him to leave. He must leave. Still, I can't bring myself to do anything more than question him.

"Steven, what are you doing in here?!" Even as I speak, the darkness fades some. Like... like something I know. Something... about the ocean? What is it- and why does it have to do with Steven? Why does it have to be him?

"Uh," Steven stumbles a moment. Why is he so confused, when I'm so certain? "I know it's weird, but I'm just dreaming, so don't even worry about it." His expression is relaxed as he reassures me. Tries to.

Dreaming? I don't know it, but... "What?! No! Steven," I have to get him out of here. It's not safe. The space around us gets lighter- it's not wind I'm feeling. It's not- _she_ pushes. I have to hold my head to focus, pulled away from myself and myself by confusion and struggle. Oh, shards. Now I understand- "I'm trying to concentrate! How are you here?!"

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?" Any other time, any other situation, I'd be flattered, warmed by the concern this small boy has for me. But not now. The slight warming feeling in my facets is a distraction, another distraction. I can't afford that, I've got to hold onto the depths that slip away beneath me. The water is clearer here, brighter.

"Steven, please- I-I-" I don't know how to express it. I don't know what to say- he has to go, he has to be _away_. To be _safe._ It's why I was down there, it's why I'm down here, don't you understand, Steven, you must be why is there a mouth what is this laughing and the water is still getting lighter and-

* * *

Now I know. Now I remember. I was losing all of it- everything. Who I am, what I know, what I recall. I was forgetting everything- forgetting Steven. But that's okay, or it would have been.

Or maybe it wouldn't. I can feel it, I can feel how I'm wearing down- slowly, but still wearing down. I won't give, though. I won't let her hurt him, I won't let her take control, won't let her out. She will never escape, never hurt him.

I know the ocean. I am the ocean. Deep, wide, patient... You can't break a sea. You can't fight it, can't stop it. It continues to be there, just... existing. I will be just so myself, I'll bury her under my weight, under my simple existence. She won't hurt him.

By the lattices, I _feel_ it this time. But I'm on the surface now, I can't spare the attention. The chains- these chains.

I don't so much hold the bonds with my hands as shackle them to myself, an expression of my diamond will. Somehow, I'm standing here, braced against the water. I know it's not my physical form, not my 'real body', as he would say, but... somehow it leaves me short of breath, and isn't that strange, to strain myself so hard pulling.

"Lapis!" The call prompts me to look over his shoulder. I can't ignore him, I could never do that. He doesn't deserve to be ignored.

"Steven!" I return, "Why do you keep coming-" I have to strain the last word of my question, pulling hard with both arms. "-Back?!" I won't let up, won't let _her_ up. He's here now, just beside me. That's wrong, that's not safe. He needs to _go_. "I can't get distracted, I- I've got to hold us down with the weight of your planet's ocean, I've got to keep her-" My words dissolve into a grunt of effort as I pull, forcing my control over the fusion bond. Why is this so hard? Why won't she give up?

This anger, this rage I'm fighting against- it's incredible.

"Wait, Lapis, tell me where you are! We can help you!" Oh shards. No, he can't do that. They can't do that. If they find me- if they find me, they'll come to me, and then Steven will be _right there_ and _not safe_ and that... that can't happen.

Worry for Steven courses through my mind, and I have to protest. "I told you, no!"

And then _she wins_.

Shards and geodes, she's there with him- and so _angry_. So _determined_. She won't be stopped, she won't let him get away. I struggle and strain, scrambling for a grip on our bond.

I don't know how long I writhe there in the water (not water, willpower, flowing and surging around me) and push and pull and that terrifies me. I don't know how long it's been, how long _she_ has had the chance to hurt him, to hurt his planet. _She_ won't be allowed- it is not allowed.

I surge to the surface, wings spread, gasping for the not-air that this place doesn't have, and fall to my knees. _She_ isn't here anymore, and I can feel her struggles weakened. That anger- it unfocused her, it let me get my grip back. I'm in control again... for now.

I look up at Steven. He's so confused, so earnest... it hurts. But... "Can't you see? I can't stop! Not for a second!" I'm rushed now, I don't know how long I have to try and make him see before _she_ starts clawing for another foothold. "Don't look for me! I don't want your help!" Not when it could mean you getting hurt, Steven.

"But, but-" I can't let him finish. I know what he's going to say- the only thing he could say, and still be Steven.

"Just let me do this for you!" I know it's not fair to demand so much of him, but... it's what's needed. What must be.

"Lapis-"

"No!" My voice echoes- actually echoes- somehow here, as I start to pull myself up to my feet. I can't let him stay here any longer, it's too dangerous, too risky. "I'm not Lapis anymore." I can't _be_ Lapis anymore. Lapis wasn't able to help him. Wasn't able to protect him. I wrap my wings around myself, shutting him out despite how much it hurts. "We're Malachite now."

I can't bring myself to listen as Steven protests again, instead diving into the sea of our will, rejoining the fusion.

We breach the surface one arm at a time, hauling ourself up. I can feel us struggling, trying so hard to hurt/protect the/Steven. He must be destroyed/safe, he must be siezed/sent. There is only one thing we can do.

 **"GO!"**

And he's gone.

Good.

I'm sorry, Steven. So sorry.

You came for me, and we hurt you. You saved me, and yourself, and we couldn't do anything for you.

This is my will.

Jasper refuses. She won't give up. She won't stop until you are destroyed.

But I... I can't give up. You, Steven... you gave me freedom, returned my life, returned my powers, when I could have been nothing forever.

You gave me everything, Steven. How can I not give everything for you?


End file.
